1 Year, 2 Months and 8 Days

That is how long it has been since I posted on this blog, my little internet home. I didn’t have the intention of going so long without typing out a few thoughts here and there, but for those who are wondering, let me explain where my focus has been during this past 1 year, 2 months and 8 days.

I mentioned so in this post, but I’ve always enjoyed different aspects of writing, including creative writing. Over a year ago, my husband and I were starting to discuss having a second child. At the same time, I was about halfway through forming an idea I had for a young adult book into a novel. There was a local contest for first-time novel writers and I wanted to finish the manuscript in time to enter. For the next 3 months, I poured my soul and all my writing time into making this book a reality. I didn’t say it was a good book (though my dad liked it) and I didn’t say it would ever be published, but I wanted to at least try. After having a few loved ones read my manuscript and receiving feedback I entered this local contest, perhaps with my hopes too high. My manuscript didn’t place, not even an honorable mention. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was disappointed.

Since goal #1 of writing wasn’t working in my favor, I decided to focus on the next goal of kiddo #2. Having kids has never been an easy process for me. It includes visits to my fertility doctor, meds, and procedures. The medication turns me into a hormonal mess and this time around gave me fake morning sickness from day one. We were lucky this time. With my first son, it took years to conceive; however, this time it only took a few months. The fake morning sickness turned into real morning aka all day sickness that lasted most of my pregnancy. Soon ligament pain and constant heartburn were added to the mix. Then with 6 weeks to go, I went into early labor and was put on bedrest. During all this, my thoughts turned to mere survival, not pouring my heart out in writing. When Baby Boy #2 came (only 9 days early) he came through an emergency c-section because he was breech, but he was healthy.

For some people, death and funerals wake them up to mortality. For me, it is the birth of my babies. As I sat in the hospital at night with an IV in my wrist, every movement causing horrific pain from the C-section and a chubby baby next to me, I could feel the pregnancy fog lift. My thoughts turned back to what do I want this life of mine to be? What do I want to be? What example do I want to leave for these two little boys? You think you will have these questions answered by the time you are an adult. Maybe others have it all figured out, but I sure don’t. Sitting in the darkness in my hospital bed, I itched to write every thought, every emotion down.

I suppose you could say, I’m fumbling to get back in the saddle. My lack of sleep with two little ones causes me to forget words and sometimes even get lightheaded. It doesn’t feel like a great place to start, but is there ever a great place to start? There is something about motherhood that shakes me awake so someday I can tell my children that at least I tried. This is me, trying.