The Equilibrium of Life and How I Broke Mine

In my past pre-baby life, I was a producer for photo shoots and video shoots. My days were full of working with casting to get models, filling out paperwork, planning travel, talking to clients, buying props and wardrobe and being the communicator. In my opinion, I was pretty good at it. While I produced successful shoots, it drained me. My life is different now, but I still haven’t been able to quite let go of the producer side of me. Planning is my game. List making is what keeps me going. In all my planning, I have had this ever-present obsession of searching for balance. Balance as a mother, wife, writer, sister, friend, daughter as well as finding personal and spiritual fulfillment and maybe even cleaning the house every once in awhile. I was actually doing a good job at it for a short time when it all came crashing down in the dumbest way: I sprained my knee. I didn’t even sprain my knee doing something cool. I sprained it playing Just Dance on the Wii. One of my goals has been to exercise more. (30’s metabolism is not the same as 20’s metabolism, I’m finding.) For those who know me know I loathe exercising. I’m convinced a runner’s high is a lie, because whenever I run, I feel awful. However, I found a way to get moving that I didn’t mind, even if it came in video game form, it worked.

So there I was jumping about in rhythm when I landed wrong and I heard a loud crunch from my knee and my whole leg gave out. Then PAIN. Horrible, excruciating pain. I fell on the couch and buried my head in a cushion so my yelling wouldn’t wake LM up from his nap. After lying on the couch for a good while imagining all sorts of horrible things that could cause one’s knee to make a crunching sound, I stood up and found I could put some weight on my throbbing knee, but I could no longer straighten my leg.

The next day (yes I waited a whole day) I asked my husband to take me to Urgent Care. I thought maybe if I slept on it, my knee would miraculously be better in the morning. It just so happened to be the busiest day of work my husband has had in his whole career. But he rushed home and dropped me off at the Urgent Care, because pressing car pedals would cause a shooting pain up my leg if I tried to do so myself.

I sat in the waiting room feeling sorry for myself. This summer was supposed to be my fun summer. I usually love summer, but the last few have failed me. Last summer was the summer after not sleeping a full night’s sleep for almost a whole year. I was depleted, on edge and emotional. The year before that was the summer of full-term pregnancy and a newborn. I was again depleted, on edge and emotional. The two summers before that were summers of infertility. While I did make a point to go on hikes, concerts and travel, my heart was breaking and all the fertility drugs left me (you guessed it) depleted, on edge and emotional. However, this summer, my child now sleeps and is at such a cute age of curiosity. Showing him new places is a magical experience because I get to watch it through his toddler eyes. I had plans of visiting the zoo, going on picnics, a family camping trip and more.

I was called back and after the doctor poked and prodded at my swollen leg, she gave the good news that it seemed like all my ligaments were intact. However, I was given the orders to wear a knee brace, rest, ice my knee and pain killers. If I didn’t, the warning of an MRI and possible surgery were the consequence.

Once my exercise regime fell to the wayside, so did my goal of avoiding sugary snacks. The other night, I found myself at a very low place consuming a mug cake (a Pinterest find) which was not good at all, but my emotions cried for something chocolaty at that very moment. I had gotten rid of all of the sweets in our house, so it was the best I could do. With all the free time of laying on the couch, you would think I would work on my writing goals or reading goals or any goals for that matter. Instead, I’ve been binge watching Gilmore Girls, which I could write another whole post on my deep pondering of that show and its characters, but I will save that for later.

I’m still trying to grasp how a sprained knee could derail all of my well planning and goal striving. I feel like life is trying to tell me to give up on trying to find balance. Isn’t having a toddler enough of a clue? Sometimes plans fail, events aren’t what they are cracked up to be and expectations fall flat. This letting go could be liberating or discouraging depending on how you look at it. I haven’t decided on how to look at it yet.